I can’t swim. I float, with great effort. With great concentration.

Once in awhile though, I let go. I close my eyes and in a bit the sun disappears. It stops being a white, almost blinding, dot behind my eyelids. It stops to exist. A glittery kind of darkness takes over, and I become a leaf, fragment in a vast water body.

For a minute, ‘peace like a river’ makes sense.

Then it does not just make sense, I become that peace. Not just know the peace, I am it. I am a molecule belonging to this body ‘Peace’.

Peace is interesting.

It’s like an infected wound. A gnarly ugly cut that has grown out of it’s own space and is oozing yellow pus. A thing that does not care for reason, all it is concerned with is its own manifestation and soon a water body is not enough space to be ‘peace’. I am no longer in a pool. I am a tiny cloud in a vast blue sky and the world is not a concept I am familiar with.

I am peace and peace no longer flows like a river. Peace is air, it is oxygen travelling up noses. It’s gas existing in spaces no one should fit into. It is life defying all meaning. But life is not without end and death comes in the shape of an idiot.

A human that’s flapping in the pool attempts to evoke their funny bone and fails miserably when they splash water on my face.

With the water, a wind blows, air moves and I come back to myself, slowly at first. And then speed picks up. I can hear water running into my ears. I have this thought, I am a semi porous being and the water coming through my ears will fill me up. I will lose all all sense of self and find my way to the bottom, and isn’t death the bottom of all bottoms… It’s enough to get me to snap out of my reverie.

I am awake. The sun is awake, it’s in my face. And I am pissed at the idiot that made me snap out it.

This new anger reminds of peace. When anger is all you have left, should you let yourself wallow in it, it will feel you are a piece of cloud, drifting in endless sky and isn’t that peace?

 

Image courtesy @MohaBig (the hat’s from @ngepa.ke on IG)

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