There is this tunnel on Thika Road, the one that vomits into Pangani, right outside Guru Nanak Hospital and Forest Road. I love it. I love it in a specific way though. Ideally, I think one ought to slow down as they ease into the tunnel then slowly gather speed before going HAM on the accelerator. You’ll feel the tires on tarmac, sit up like your body is the car and your head is the bonnet. If you’re like me, you won’t hold this pose for long though; laughter will overcome you and for a moment you’ll feel freed.

That tunnel always gets me. I love it, clearly, but it’s also the perfect analogy for my relationship with cars. I don’t drive. I think cars are pretty and if they are pretty and can do or be made to do adrenaline inducing things; that’s really more than great for me, I am game to be in them… Well, if I can’t be in them I am cool with watching; which is really all most of us get to do with|in the Fast & Furious franchise anyway.

The other weekend, a friend and I watched the Fast 8 and we loved it. I mean, there were cars; a tank, a Porsche, a Lamborghini, another tanker and I think a Subaru (I could be wrong), you cannot hate cars for reasons talked about in the introduction. The cars were so good that, if you haven’t watched the other 7 movies, it’s fine, the cars ought to be enough distraction- sorry- compensation. If you have watched every movie on the franchise though; we need to talk.

I have questions, many questions but first how ludicrous is Tyrese? I keep telling myself that he is not funny, that I am definitely not going to laugh at anything he says, then the dude opens his mouth and HA! I am not sure how long the script writers plan on holding onto that ‘not so much of a ladies man, ladies man’ image though. It’s cute, but I am ready for something riveting.

Speaking of riveting, I do not like Jason Statham, at all. I mean he looks alright, if you’re into bald dudes and stuff but in my head he’s the transporter and nothing else but. So when they brought him onto Fast 8, I was like, ‘C’mon, didn’t this guy go to prison so he could rot there and hopefully go back to his transporter ways?’ The prison fight scene did endear him to me a little (Is it just me, or is there something beautiful about caged peoples struggling that gets the blood flowing.) Also, I am on the fence in as far as bringing babies into the franchise goes but Statham fighting while sitting Marco was hilarious, for a moment I actually forgot my transporter obsession. Something I wish script writers would also forget when it comes to geeky romances; Ludacris and that cheek from Game of Thrones, come on! I can’t even picture it!

I could go on about the things that worked for me (The part where Cipher- beautiful villain- was launching nukes(?) and the submarine just came up and almost blew everything up but of course the guys escaped (because they need to film Fast 9) The cinematography, was great like that scene with a whole block of ice that rose behind and entourage of cars. How they showed both the submarine impact and the cars at the same darn time, was phenomenal.) but there are plot holes that I have issues with? How does a ring of cars save you from fire? Is diesel inflammable? I didn’t like that Cipher escaped. Granted, her escape saw us get saved from a ‘hero rescues all’ ending but I can totally see her coming back in the future.
And that hogwash about Vin Diesel having a plan to escape Cipher and actually helping save the family? C’mon! It would have been less predictable if he went rogue and never looked back- kinda like Paul Walker did. Idk, maybe that’s just me.

I am clearly riled, I think it’s time to stop and go find release in a tunnel somewhere along Thika Road; think Lamborghini on ice.

Image Source; Nanda Saba.

*C0-authored alongside @MissKadzitu 

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